Need sex. Gaining weight.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
