Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
