I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
