I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
