I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
