I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
