dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
