If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
