i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
