So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
