I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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