When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
