rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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