this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
