I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
