i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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