ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
