wrigley field is MILF paradise
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
