well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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