I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
