well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
