when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
