Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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