awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
