why didn't you poke me back
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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