Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
