Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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