i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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