The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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