The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
