im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
