My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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