I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
