Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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