Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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