Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
