Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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