Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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