I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
