so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
