Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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