Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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