Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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