if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
