and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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