So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
a search helicopter?!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
