you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
