and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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