I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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