My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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