Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
