This is not my ceiling
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
