Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
