I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
